A 2023 The American Academy of Sleep Medicine survey found that 31 percent of women wake up feeling tired—almost double the amount compared to men. The exhaustion could be related to a number of issues: insomnia disorders, a hectic work schedule, anxiety, eating habits, and potentially, your partner.
Actor Cameron Diaz recently spoke on a topic with an aggressive sounding name—“sleep divorce”—that might be the solution. “We should normalize separate bedrooms,” she declared on Molly Sims’s On the Rim podcast. “For me, I would literally say: I have my house, you have yours. I’ll sleep in my room. You’re going to sleep in your room. It’s all good.” She adds in the caveat that this isn’t her current sleeping situation with husband Benji Madden, but obviously she’s open to it.
Separate bedrooms have never been more in popular as a means of cultivating restful sleep. For 24 percent of American couples, a sleep divorce improved married life in 2019 (OnePoll survey conducted with 2,000 respondents). All the evidence points to one clear conclusion: Sleeping alone may optimize your sleep.
Here are five tips to help you smoothly integrate a sleep divorce into your life as a couple:
Think of your partner’s possible reaction when you propose this change
Many people think love and physical closeness go hand-in-hand, so it may seem counter-intuitive to sleep away from your partner when everything is going well in the relationship. Introducing the idea of a sleep divorce must be done gently and above all with empathy.
Start by clearly and honestly expressing your feelings, including the desire to solve any sleep problems you may be experiencing.
Remember: sleep divorce doesn’t mean a relationship is in trouble
In most cases, there’s no correlation between sleeping in separate bedrooms and having a bad relationship. A sleep divorce is therefore an option that only works if both partners are able to think outside the box. Freeing oneself from the social prejudices that celebrate a couple united at all hours is a key phase in integrating the idea that sleeping separately will not harm domestic bliss. When you think about it, the exact opposite is true. Recharging your batteries on your own optimises the time you share together, giving priority to the quality of your time over mere quantity.
Focus on physical affection at other times of the day
To compensate for the lack of physical closeness at night, find other moments when you can spend time together during the day. This doesn’t just mean sex, but also moments of emotional intimacy: Try going on a walk together, watching a movie, or preparing a meal. Creating moments of physical intimacy that don’t focus on sharing a bed, will help you to find a healthy balance and avoid frustration.
Preserve your bedtime rituals
Just because you aren’t sleeping together doesn’t mean you can’t spend the time in preparation together. Continue with your usual routine and preserve these moments (like chatting before going to sleep, brushing teeth, or cuddling in the morning) will ensure the relationship isn’t too disrupted and major touchtones stay in place.
Don’t be afraid to compromise
Being able to make the occasional concession is key to a happy and stable relationship. The perfect relationship doesn’t exist without work, and love is a process. It is the result of multiple steps taken towards each other, establishing a balanced and healthy common ground. The same applies to sleep divorce. In concrete terms, rules can be put in place to gradually sleep in separate rooms, such as sleeping separately on weeknights, and together on weekends. Communicate with your partner to establish a rhythm that suits you both: There’s no single solution, but a multitude of possibilities, and you will find the one that is right for both of you through healthy discussions.
